Sins Not Tragedies
by SawyerRaleigh
Summary: Short drabbles from Fuuma's pov regarding the weaknesses of the other dragons.  Complete
1. Seishirou

_Author's Note: I guess with all my attention focused on the happiness of Almost Perfect lately I was starting to need something a little... darker. XD Also I feel kind for leaving so much Fuuma out so to balance it I guess, I present a Fuuma-centric fic! The title is because it was also partly inspired by the song "I Write Sins, Not Tragedies" by Panic! At the Disco. Although it's not a sonfic and the lyrics have nothing all to do with this story. XD Basically I just really liked the title, it makes me think of Fuuma. (And btw, I do intend to do all of the dragons of heaven and earth eventually. Kamui will be the last.)  
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You light up again, the tiny flame flickering against your hand as you protectively shield it from a stray breeze. It's funny really. That you give that little flame more protection than you do the person that you love.

I hate that.

Then you inhale.

Benzene comes from coal, it's used in fuel and chemical manufacture. I suppose it's another way for you to be closer to that car you love to break a few more laws in from time to time.

"Can I help you?" You ask, eyeing me behind the smoke.

Formaldehyde is used to preserve dead bodies. It's ironic really, considering your line of work, but then maybe it makes you feel closer to them too. I suppose it's the only way you can relate.

"No."

Ammonia is used in dry cleaning fluids. Is that how you get the blood out of all those expensive suits you wear, I wonder?

"Then what are you doing here?"

Acetone is used as a solvent. But then you never need that to clean up after yourself do you. The sakura tree takes care of it for you. Then again, you are the sakura aren't you.

"I'm just out for a walk."

Nicotine is addictive and poisonous. I'm sure the irony isn't lost on your beloved.

"Is that so?"

Arsenic is used in rat poison. That's how you see your prey though isn't it? You're not exactly one to distinguish between a human life and a rodent's. Though you might be right not to.

"It is. But thank you. You've made my job tonight easier."

Hydrogen cyanide is used in gas chambers. A convenient method for mass murder. It's when I reach that one that I have to frown. You have murdered large numbers of people at once, when destroying a kekkai. So have I.

"By already spilling blood here?"

"Yes."

You take another long drag of the cigarette.

Most would think of you as narcissistic but they're wrong. You devote quite a bit of time every single day to slowly and imperceptibly destroying yourself. You don't respect anyone, that much is clear. It's unfortunate that that even includes yourself.

I hate that too.

"I see, well if you have no need of my assistance then I'll be off. Early morning tomorrow you know." You flick away the cigarette, littering the sidewalk, and stroll casually away with your hands in your pockets.

There is one person at least who you don't like to see hurt. You were awfully upset when I took his eye, even though it was what he wanted. In fact you still treat me more coldly than you do anyone else. I don't blame you for the lack of warmth though; I blame you for the resentment. It's so hypocritical isn't it? To hate me for hurting him after all that you have put him through? You love him. You might deny it right now to anyone else's face but I can see through you and I don't like what I see. You take care to slowly emotionally break down the one you love.

I hate that as well, but it isn't the part of you I hate most.

I let the crackle of energy gather in my hand and reach down to touch the blood with my fingertips, feeling the ground give an earth-shaking tremble, a fleeting and futile warning before it splits and rips through the city, devouring cars, buildings, people, animals and anything else in its path.

No, what I hate most about you, Seishirou Sakurazuka, is that I know I'm just like you.

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	2. Arashi

_Author's Note: Hum, this is turning out more bitter than I even expected... but I did always feel like it must suck to be Fuuma in a way. Imagine what it would be like to see the worst of people, their most base, selfish selves... I mean can you blame him for having no love for humanity?_

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How easily you forgot him. How quickly you ran away in the first place. Isn't it a little odd? You loved it when he looked after you earlier. When he got in the way and saved your life at the cost of his own body? You wept, remember? Of course you don't right now, but all the same you did. You don't like feeling defenseless but you like to be take care of. You like to seem strong but secretly you want someone to rescue you.

I hate that about you.

You're so insecure. Do you know what made you fall in love with him? It wasn't any deep emotional bond at all; it was because he called you pretty for the first time in your life. For the very first time you felt feminine and beautiful, but you weren't sure you were allowed to. I guess your training at the temple didn't cover that between lessons in meditation and blade work. It took a lot of effort on his part to convince you to indulge a little in that feeling and once you finally did you were grateful to him for it. But that isn't love, you know. Or rather you don't apparently.

I hate people who can't see the difference.

You polish your new blade silently and dutifully and I know that while you can make the valid claim that you should do so to take care of it, you also just like the way it shines, don't you? You pause a moment to inspect it and I know that you're also looking at your reflection in it. There's a word for that.

I hate vanity.

What's worse though is that you couldn't even figure out how to be vain on your own. It took another person teaching you how, and then you thought you loved them for it. Now here you are, sitting in the government building, polishing a sword you'll try to use to kill him someday. One could say it's funny how fast love fades but I don't see the humor in that personally.

It's something else I hate actually.

I wonder if you'll remember him when the prophesy comes true and he lies dying in your arms. Will there be a moving, touching, romance classic-worthy scene with a tearful goodbye that lets you live out the rest of your life with the illusion that it was true, earth-shattering love? Or will you step over him and move on to the next victim? Either way, you'll never learn. You'll always be caught in this state of wanting something you don't think you're allowed to have but reaching hesitantly for it anyway.

I think it's what I hate most about you, Arashi Kishuu.

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_A/N: I dunno if I like how it's turning out so far so I may actually delete this story and redo it at some point... Reviews much appreciated as feedback would be especially helpful on this one. :P_


	3. Kusanagi

_Author's Note: Um. Wait, I don't have one. XD Enjoy!_

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"Rather bland as a response to someone pouring their heart out to you, don't you think?" I ask you as you watch her run off. I wonder if you realize I can tell you're enjoying the way that pleated skirt bounces with every step. Then you look at me with shame in your eyes and I see that you do know. You do remember that I can see wishes, and your guilty little wish is no exception.

"What do you want?" You ask, trying to draw attention away from yourself. Too late for that. She's about half your age you know, barely a teenager. She's still stuck in that phase when girls think movies and mangas represent true love, and her interest in you is innocent. It's too bad yours in her isn't. There's a word for people like you, you know.

I hate people like that.

"I have business in this area in a little bit. Just waiting for other players to arrive."

"Players?"

You know though, I think I could overlook your wanting her except for the part where you don't do anything about it. You could turn her away and try not to think about or you could play out all those little fantasies in your mind you wish you could hide. You could do anything but lead her on.

You never seem to like it when I point that out though. Is it because it brushes too close to your biggest weakness? No, not your weakness for short uniform skirts and not yet developed breasts. The other weakness.

The one I really can't stand.

"Yep. At least the main character. Can't start without him."

"You mean the other Kamui." You frown with distaste as comprehension dawns on you.

"Uh-huh. Wanna join me this time?" After all, you are supposed to be working for me, remember?

"No." Says your mouth.

"Yes." Say your eyes.

You always do that. I know you won't come along and I consider telling you that you want to. In this case it's not a childish taunt or a psychological manipulation; it's just plain fact.

You don't want to hurt people, and that's not all that surprising. You're a pretty sentimental guy and you have loyalty to your own species that seems to be instinctive to a lot of humans.

"What about your friends?" I tease and it's anything but playful. You have loyalty to them too; it's hard not to when you can hear them all, innocently begging for help. And you know you're the only one that can hear them too. It's a lot of responsibility huh?

You set your jaw and glare at me. I guess you're leaving them hanging today. Sucks to be on the receiving end of wavering loyalty.

I know I hate it.

I shrug and walk away like it doesn't matter. Because it doesn't. Not to me anyway. It does to you though. Even if I couldn't sense that I would know by the way you just stand there and watch me walk away with that pathetically torn look on your face.

You don't want to kill anyone. Or anything. So you don't take their lives with your own hands. You don't use your powers to harm them.

But you don't use your powers to help them either, knowing damn well that your inaction is just as murderous as your action could be.

And that, Kusanagi Shiyuu, is the real reason I hate you.

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	4. Yuuto

_Author's Note: Why am I not in bed... Oh yeah... because Fuuma's upset at getting left out of Almost Perfect and making me write him for a while... -_- He's so pushy. To those of you who have reviewed so far: Thank you! I really appreciate it- I live for reviews! *_*_

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You stroll out of one of the more discretely hidden rooms in the government building basement with your usual smile neatly in place, though your collar's still a little crooked. The faint scents of sweat and latex follow and I wonder which is still back there: Kanoe or Satsuki? Or just one of your coworkers?

"Well hello there!" You exclaim as if you've just caught sight of an old friend.

I don't move from the chair, just watch you approach looking more than a little self-satisfied.

"You know, I've been wondering something. It seems like to everyone else, you look like the person they love most. How come that's not what I see?" You laugh. "Or is it and I'm just that narcissistic?"

"You don't know?"

You give me a politely puzzled look.

I wonder.

It doesn't take very much effort to grip your throat and use that leverage to slam your back against the wall, pinning you there. Part of it is years of playing every sport my school had to offer; part of it is your lack of resistance. Your face contorts in pain and surprise for a split second at the impact then you rearrange your mouth into another casually patient grin. You leave your hands in your pockets and watch me.

That's what I thought.

"You really want to know why you see who you see when you look at me?" I ask. I can read actually that you don't want to know but you don't know that. And either way, maybe it's something you _should_ hear.

"Sure, why not?" You reply nonchalantly and I consider answering but decide to leave it as the rhetorical question you meant it to be.

"It's because you're a coward."

You raise an eyebrow. "I don't follow."

"Ah but you do. It's all you do, in fact."

You don't avoid getting involved because you just think it would be interesting to see what happens. You're just afraid. You see yourself when you look at me because I do all the things you wish you were brave enough to do.

Your smiling mask slips just a little and I tighten my grip on your throat. You take your hands out of your pockets. You could pull that handsome little dagger of yours out. I know you have it on you. You could push me away. You could try to pull my hand down a little. Instead you press your fingertips to the cold wall behind you.

I don't reward your submission with relinquish, in fact I press a little harder, knowing just how much pressure it takes to close off an airway enough that you won't pass out but will still be forced to struggle for breath. I wait for instinct to take over and I'm rewarded with the sound of your nails scraping the wall.

"You aren't easygoing at all, you just don't want to face the consequences of the actions you wish you could carry out. So you watch me and imagine yourself because that way you can enjoy the thrill, get that high off the adrenaline rush, and still not have to own up to it later."

Your face is pale by now and tinged with blue but still your hands remain where they are. It would be disappointing if I had expected anything else.

I have things to do at this point though. After all, you can't live too vicariously through me if all I do is stay here all day can you? So I withdraw and let you slump against the wall at my feet, unmoving beyond gasps of breath. You don't even raise your hands to your own throat to feel for bruises; they rest motionless on the floor at your sides. I stare down at the top of your bent head for a moment, giving you time to not meet my eyes before walking out the door. I wonder how long you'll stay like that. Probably quite a while.

I hate cowards like you, Yuuto Kigai.

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	5. Seiichiro

_Author's Note: This one is really short but there just isn't all that much about Aoki in X in general... and from what we do know about him, he seems like a pretty decent fellow... Ah well. Fuuma would still find some way to critique him I guess._

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You sigh and wrap your coat a little tighter around yourself but never take your eyes off of them.

The first time I saw you follow the woman and her child to the park I thought you were crazy. It took me a moment to understand why you were wishing so badly to be with them but keeping your distance.

She just celebrated her eighth birthday didn't she? Your daughter that is. Did you know that she cried because you never even called to say "happy birthday?" Of course you don't. It's okay; she doesn't know you cried for the same reason. She misses you so much; her wish is for you to come back. It's not easy on a child to have one parent suddenly abandon them.

I hate it when parents do that usually but in this case it's hard to blame you for leaving.

Your nephew's death must have really shaken you for you to so suddenly leave your wife like that. On the other hand, it was rather prudent of you. It's true; the farther you are away from them, the better probably. Yet you fight for your life and are determined to one day get back to them, not wanting to abandon them completely. I had some respect for you when I first realized that.

Then you met Karen. You don't love her as much or in the same way as your wife, which is why it's all the more unforgiveable that you would risk your life and health just to rush to her rescue. You had made your decision: you were going to get away from your family to protect them and work on fighting for your own life and protection so that you could resume your role as father and husband one day. But running off to save another woman's life at the drop of a hat kind of flies right in the face of that decision, doesn't it?

I hate those who lack conviction.

Your wife says something at last that makes your daughter groan and give one last pump of her legs before leaping off the swingset and running into her open arms. I see you wrap yours around yourself tighter as if you could psychically embrace them.

You watch them go then silently turn and walk a few blocks away to Karen's apartment to see how she is.

You're such a disappointment, Seiichiro Aoki.

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	6. Satsuki

_Author's Note: This story hasn't been terribly popular if the number of review is anything to go by. XD But screw it. I still wanna write it._

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I watch your fingers fly across the keyboard as glowing blue numbers reflect in your glasses, hiding your eyes. Funny how often you do that. Hide behind the illusion of impartial facts and figures.

Wires snake eerily under your skin and into your veins and you have the sense that you're integrating with the computer itself. You're almost right. Except the computer is the one meshing with you, not the other way around.

You honestly believe that you can transcend your own humanity, become a completely unbiased and detached being with no regard for the rest of your own race. It's an interesting concept really, self-seclusion in the name of impartial judgment. In theory, you have quite an idea going and when I first encountered you it seemed entirely possible. Your total indifference seemed like such an attainable goal, for you at any rate, and I confess, I had some respect for it.

Yuuto walks in the door and announces that he's going out for tea.

I wonder if you noticed how close you came to damaging the wires, or perhaps your own veins, ripping them out like that as you hop down from your self-made throne.

So much for logic and rationality.

The machine whirrs in agitation as you leave the room with what you would deny is a delighted bounce in your step. Even if I had not seen your reaction I would know it by the way the computer withdraws in irritation, leaving the room a few degrees colder as it senses abandonment.

That's how I can truly tell, you know. Beast has indeed become integrated with you, or perhaps was always meant to be, I can't confess to being privy to the details of the other Dragons' powers. In either case, you thought all this time that you were like it, a machine, which could become more and more systematic with every moment spent in its orderly universe.

Maybe at one time that was true. Maybe once Beast was truly just a computer, albeit an extremely well-equipped one. Now however, it, no, he, expresses emotions and where do you suppose he learned that?

You've tainted what was once a beautifully apathetic being with humanity. And it's spreading to Beast as well.

That's not the worst of it though. Emotions come naturally to human beings, that much I know and would readily accept from you if it weren't for one little thing.

You don't acknowledge still that you have them.

It's that little lie, not problematic in its concealment from others, but in its concealment from yourself, entwined with your belief that you can in some way "rise above" your own race by convincing yourself more thoroughly of that lie.

That's the part I can't stand about you Satsuki Yatouji.


	7. Sorata

_Author's Note: Official wordcount so far: 17,555! ^-^ I made a New Year's resolution to write 300,000 words by the end of the year and I'm really happy that so far I'm well ahead of that goal although I know once school starts I'll fall behind again... ^^; Btw, in case you're wondering where those words are going, I do original fiction too, not just fanfics. :P I'm debating posting them on fictionpress but we'll see. I don't know that anyone would actually read it there anyway. XD_

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You offer a pastry to a pretty girl on the sidewalk as though she could be won over with something as simple as a cupcake. She and her friends giggle and take the frosting-smeared treat before continuing on their way, not without glances back in your direction.

_"You will die for the sake of a woman."_

The man who raised you told you that long ago, didn't he? He never said it would be a beautiful woman though. You added that part in yourself. After all, if you must die a hero, it should be for a gorgeous damsel in distress right? No need to waste your time on someone who isn't physically attractive.

I suppose it's fate though. That you would fall for someone who shares that shallow side of you.

So you go on, playing the hero, never questioning why you are one of the Seven Seals, just enjoying being the "good guy", the white knight as it were, believing that you're slaying the big bad dragon for her.

You never wonder why the world would even want to come to an end, just continue selfishly imagining yourself a main character in a grand saga and imagine the glory that must come with being on the side that "saves" the world. Oh you won't admit it out loud, but really your being a Dragon of Heaven is based heavily on the romanticism you see in it.

Not that you are truly devoted to preventing the world from ending of course. If you were, you would not be so ready to throw away your life to protect a young woman all in the name of love.

If it can really even be called love. Your snap decision to fall for her was awfully convenient, but even that part aside, love usually means thinking of someone else does it not? You certainly would argue that you are thinking of her, that you think of her all the time, and you will be thinking of her when you draw your last breath, sacrificing the rest to defend her.

And then you'll leave her behind with the knowledge that your death was because of her. You never once stopped to think about what would happen once you were gone, how it would affect the beautiful woman you were destined to protect.

She is falling for you, just as you had always hoped and imagined she would. She actually likes your ridiculous attempts at flirting and your self-proclaimed "perceptive" nature. I wonder how she will feel when you are suddenly gone, leaving her with nothing but memories… and guilt.

I've seen people torn apart and shattered by guilt. Trembling in self-inflicted pain, desperate to crawl out of their own skin and escape the silent torment of knowing it's all Their Fault. Others simply close themselves off and become empty shells, afraid to let themselves feel anything for fear that if they do, the floodgates will collapse and so will they.

I wonder what Arashi will do.

You never wondered that though. It never even crossed your mind.

And that's what I hate most about you Sorata Arisugawa.


	8. Yuzuriha

_Author's Note: 21,686 words! ^_^ Still trying to keep it all up before I get bogged down in assignments. -_-_

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You skip down the street toward home, all but oblivious to your surroundings until you freeze, noticing me standing a few feet away from the wall surrounding CLAMP campus.

You gasp and take a step back as that little dog of yours begins to growl. As though I would be intimidated by a puppy.

"What are you doing here?" You demand, shifting from happy go lucky to defensive in the blink of an eye.

"I'm just here to see how Kamui is doing."

For a moment, my smile almost wins you over. Your features soften just slightly and I can see your muscles relaxing. Even the mutt stops snarling.

"Do you mean that for real? You aren't just here to attack us or something?" Cautious hope lights up your eyes. It is rather sweet, your desire to believe in people like that. It reminds me of my little sister.

Of course, look where that got her. This world has no use for the overly optimistic.

"Not tonight."

You breathe a sigh of relief, although I am pleased to see that you don't completely let your guard down. "Hey, um… can I ask a question?" You fiddle with the draw strings of your hoodie. "Do you know Kusanagi-san?"

I nod.

"He's one of your Angels isn't he?"

I nod again.

"I see." I'm impressed that you don't begin to cry there on the spot. Perhaps there's a little more fight in you than there was in my sister after all.

You raise your chin defiantly. "But he has never attacked any of us or tried to destroy any kekkai, has he?"

"As of yet, no."

You beam at me. "I knew it. I knew he was still a good person!"

You believed it you mean. You believed it because you couldn't believe that someone you love would do something like attack one of your friends or cause harm to others.

Of course, you only 'love' him because he could see Inuki, there was nothing about Kusanagi himself. You didn't know anything about him when you 'fell in love', that was based on yourself and that he fulfilled a childish fantasy; it was unrelated to the person himself.

"And what exactly makes someone 'a good person'?"

"Someone who is nice to others!" You respond immediately with a cheerful puppy grin.

"Nice to others?" I tilt my head slightly as a wicked thought strikes me.

"Yeah, you know, helps people out and stuff!"

"Helps huh?" I take a step closer and the dog gives a short warning growl. "So if someone wanted help committing suicide and another person helped them, that would make them nice?"

Your eyes grow wide. "N-no! That's not how that works! That isn't being nice, that's committing murder!"

"Why is that a crime if they ask?"

"Because it's wrong to kill people!" You insist, still standing your ground albeit shakily.

"Why is it wrong to kill people, especially if that's what they want?"

"Because someone would cry for them." You answer without hesitation this time.

"But if they're all dead, who is left to cry?"

"You can't…"

"Au contraire, kitten, I _can._ But I'm interested to hear your opinion. Why shouldn't I?"

You still couldn't answer, because you needed someone else to tell you why.

It's what I really hate about you Yuzuriha Nekoi.

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	9. Kakyou

Kakyou

Hiding and refusing to choose a side, alive or dead, seal or angel, hope or despair.

You sit there silently, staring at the reflections of stars long since burnt out in the dark glass beneath your knees.

"They're in the sky." I inform you. "That's just a mirror."

You raise your head without expression.

"Mirrors can deceive." I remind you.

"You would know." The bitterness there is half-hearted.

I hate that. Where is the rest of your heart?

Looking around, your strange little domicile is filled with nothing. There is no comfort here, no joy, just the darkness and the stars. Not twinkling, reassuring or fanciful stars but cold reminders of what is long gone and what will never be obtainable.

Still you sit here silently most of the time while your body lies in wait for an end you've long since seen coming. But you won't _do_ anything to either speed it up or try to change it. You remain caught in midnight, not knowing if you're moving toward dusk or dawn. That I cannot blame you for; it's where we all are right now.

What I blame you for is that you refuse to take a step in either direction.

Those chains aren't wrapped so tightly around you that you can't lean in one direction. You would call it balance. I would call it cowardice.

You know what cost Hokuto her life? It wasn't that you could not reach her in time. You could have, you know, if you hadn't hesitated that is. It was those few precious moments you spent trying to decide whether to yield to predestination as you had foreseen it, or to throw yourself into an attempt to alter it that cost you so dearly. You could have followed your heart and done what it was urging you to do all along but you didn't.

And worse, you didn't learn from the experience, Kakyou. You still sit here, indecisive as ever, oblivious to the lives you're sacrificing that way. Oblivious to the sanities being broken, to the children screaming, to the buildings crumbling. All because you think everything is going to happen one way and you have no power to change it.

You've misunderstood Kakyou. You didn't think about _why_ you had the power to see the future. If it really couldn't be affected, then why would you have seen it? Foretelling dreams are not like movie trailers, you know.

Then again, maybe Fate is just toying with all of us, giving you that ability. After all, you are the one more likely to accept it silently and conclude that your life is out of your own hands. You've chosen the ultimate forfeit and you will never even know it.

That, Kakyou Kuzuki, is what I hate about you.


	10. Nataku

_Author's Note: Omg, I almost forgot about this fic. ^^; but hurray only three more after this! XD I should really just finish it up shouldn't I? Karen's tricky though! :O What is there to hate about her, she's awesome! Anywho, here's chapter 10- devoted to bashing poor defenseless Nataku. T_T_

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Your head on my lap is barely moving even as you breathe and your eyes stare blankly ahead.

Is this what you wanted? Did you even know this is what would happen? Who would wish a fate like this upon their daughter? You thought you were sacrificing everything to save her, without wondering if it might not have been kinder to let her die.

And here this body before me has been robbed of its own right to a peaceful death. Of course, in a way it fits. The body you refused to let die has been paired off with a soul you marked for the same cruel fate.

I shift my knee slightly and you look up to me with a brow drawn in worry, your eyes filled with the fear of abandonment.

"I'm not going anywhere." I run my fingers through your hair soothingly as you lay your head back down, reassured, if only for the moment.

Children grow up for a reason you know. We spend so much time lamenting the loss of innocence, the loss of wonder that children seem to hold for the world without understanding what was gained in return. Love, memories, self; you've robbed your only daughter of all of these things by creating a perpetual child who now, out of fear of abandonment, is a slave to a cause he doesn't understand and will never have the age or experience to understand.

Your fingers flex slightly in your sleep, reassuring yourself that the coarse denim of my jeans is still there.

Kazuki will die anyway, you know. Just as Nataku became a slave to my will out of desperation to have a father, so he will sacrifice his life out of desperation to protect a mother.

A child doesn't belong in this dark world as it bows out of the universe.

"Kazuki." I ruffle your hair slightly and you look up at me with sleepy dream-colored eyes. "Let's go out for a bit."

We wander the town square as twilight darkens the shadows and lights the street-lamps.

"Want some soda?" I offer, buying us each a can.

You don't need to know that the soda cans are going to be used to destroy this part of town tomorrow. It's nice to see you smile shyly as you gulp down the sugary drink beside me.

You and Kazuki were used to create one entity… I wonder if when Nataku dies if your souls will be separated or remain one entwined being as they are now. I wonder if in separation Kazuki will agree with your choice to kill yourself and donate your body like that. After the hell it put her through ultimately, I hope not.

I don't even know your name, but Kazuki should hate you.


	11. Karen

_Author's Note: Okay something I need to mention right now just as a reminder- these aren't my views. I love the characters of X. :P Fuuma is the one who hates them. Additionally, this particular chapter is very bitter toward religion, in particular Christianity since it's the one relevant to Karen. Should you be offended, that's your own problem. I'm not sharing my own opinions on religion here and I'm not interested in hearing defenses of it. Try to just enjoy the story for what it is._

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You watch him play Frisbee with the obscenely cheerful little dragon's dog and I can see it in your heart, your little fantasy in which it's you he's married to, and your children he's playing with. Wouldn't it just be lovely?

But then I see you recognize the consequences that would have on reality and I watch as you mentally chastise yourself for wishing him away from the family who already loves and needs him. And that's when you do the thing I hate most.

You pray.

You pray to the God who never answered your prayers when you hid under the covers as your mother downed another bottle of liquor.

You pray to the God who never answered your prayers when your father walked out the door, never turned his car around and sent him driving back home to you.

You pray to the God who never heard your prayers when you begged him to let the neighbors hear your cries or the smashes of broken glass.

You pray to the God who never answered your prayers when you were abandoned to fend for yourself at such a tender young age.

The one who let you be looked down upon for being half French in a country as xenophobic as Japan.

The one who let you be unable to find work until your only option was a twisted kind of quietly swept under the rug prostitution.

The one who let you spend all these years alone without friends or family to love and protect you.

The one who made you a Dragon of Heaven, destined to die a sacrifice in vain.

To that God you pray. Forgive me if I fail to see the logic.

For all that your deity has evidently forsaken you, you maintain the utmost faith which on its own could be quietly forgivable but I see a problem tucked away in the corner of your little rituals. You see, you never do anything yourself. You think you are being graceful and obediently accepting the fate you are given when really you are merely lying down and taking whatever crap gets thrown your way. You could have run away from your abusive mother, you could have dyed your hair and gotten contacts to appear more Japanese, you could have chosen a solid, simple man and begun a family.

You could offer yourself to Aoki. He divorced his wife, that much you know as he confided in you. And you know that he confided such heartbreak to you because he considers you a close and reliable friend. It really would not be so hard to move from friendship to romance. Rather typical actually for an apocalyptic tale. After all, who else could comfort a Dragon of Heaven like another Dragon of Heaven?

Yet you don't, and here you call it "resisting temptation". I call it spitting in the face of opportunity.

He glances your way with a friendly smile and you return it eagerly. I wonder how many hail Mary's you will assign yourself tonight for that one.

It would just be so easy. He's right there in front of you and just as lonely as you are. Yet you'll turn away from this, this tangible, real thing that could finally give you what you've wanted all your life: _happiness._ At the cost of another you think, his poor wife.

Happiness always has a price Karen. And it is nearly always someone else who will pay for your own. However, if you don't take it, you will pay for someone else's.

You don't seem to understand this though, and so you turn away from the one thing you want more than anything else, the one thing you could just reach out and take for yourself. And turn to something intangible, unknowable, an ideal that has spent the past several decades stomping all over you with the muddy boots of institutionalized spirituality.

And that Karen, is why I hate you.


	12. Subaru

Subaru

You're still sitting on the edge of the bed, staring at that picture and it's all I can do not to come in and rip it out of your hand. That photograph is worse for you than the cigarettes you have taken up smoking in amusing imitation of the man whose countenance you so crave to see each day like this.

Altruism.

It is the word that so succinctly defines every last one of your actions. Even each breath you take, you do so not to survive out of a sense of self-preservation, but out of a sense of obligation to others, beginning with your grandmother and Seishirou and Kamui. Nowhere in the list of people for whom you have enough respect to keep yourself alive is the most important person of all: you.

Yet you see nothing wrong with this. You've been so convinced for so long that you live to serve others that you have completely lost your own well-being, your own desires, your own heart. And you believe that this is how life simply is and should be.

So let us examine your choices by your own terms.

Your existence is crucial for others' well-beings, like Kamui who pathetically relies on you for moral support and, dare I say it without laughing at the beautiful irony, emotional support. It's rather like watching a shaky child trying to stand on a collapsing deck. Of course, you are the one letting that deck collapse, fully aware of how much he is relying on you. Clearly you have no ambitions to be anything remotely resembling a role model.

Yet you let him try to fashion a role model out of you. You let Kamui believe that you will be there for him when you know that you are going to let him down. You may not believe in interference but your passivity in this regard is going to do harm to someone else, someone you feign concern for and in the meantime you lead him astray, letting him begin to also believe that life is this way because you were the only person who could make things make sense to him one time.

You sigh and let the photograph float carelessly to the floor as you fall back on to the bed in painful surrender.

And just like that you let him go.

You don't seem to realize that when you surrender like that, you aren't the only one who loses something Subaru.

Assuming that you are successful, that your wish is granted and the Sakurazukamori kills you, did you ever wonder what would happen to him?

You're a Seal. You're supposed to be fighting to save the world from destruction and yet you have no desire to do so. Why not? Hasn't it occurred to you that if you let the world end, that dark little object of your affections- he's going to die? You plan on throwing your life away and not even trying to accomplish something with it in the meantime?

Pitiful.

It's things like that Subaru Sumeragi, that make me hate you so much more than the other Seals.

.

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_Author's Note: Kamui is last! :D He'll be up soon I hope since I've actually written about half of his anyway. XD_


	13. Kamui

_Author's Note: :O I finally finished it! Thank you so much to everyone who has been patiently reading it all this time! _

_._

Kamui

I watch you wince as you stand up from the desk, setting homework aside for the time being. You've been struggling with this history essay all evening.

Years ago, I would have sat down beside you and explained it all to you, helped you clarify your thoughts, make a coherent outline and succinct but thorough arguments. I would have edited it for any last minute spelling or grammar errors and shown you how to bind it in a neat presentation folder.

Now I just watch you scribble messy, half-formed thoughts on slightly crumpled notebook paper and I don't bat an eye.

You limp over to the bed and flop down, wincing again as you land wrong on the injured arm.

Once I would have sat you back up and cleaned the wound again, changing the bandages and finding a way to distract you from it until the painkillers I brought you set in.

You're sort of pathetic on your own aren't you.

But that's not the worst part of it really. What always got under my skin was that you never stopped to wonder _why_. You never once looked at the way I took care of you and thought "you know, that's kind of odd". Never stopped and asked yourself what it was that kept me trotting away from friends my own age just to stand by your side even as you fawned over my precious little sister the way everyone else did. Not that I blame Kotori mind you. It never once surprised me, the depths of her obliviousness. But I won't pretend like there was no resentment there with regard to how much attention she got for being cute and sweet and sort of useless, just like a fairytale princess while I worked my ass off to help keep the family together, my grades up, my teams to play offs and got a few pats on the head.

I could have put up with all of that though, with everyone putting Kotori up on a pedestal made of my blood and sweat if I had gotten recognition from just one person.

Unfortunately you ignored me too.

You just assumed that I would always stay beside you and catch you when you fell out of trees trying to recapture my sister's easily lost belongings. There you tried being her white knight come to the rescue and wound up needing rescuing yourself. Again.

What's even more pathetic is how much you have not changed at all. Even now you don't have the guts to stand up to me as your enemy, even though you are well aware that the entire world is depending on you to do so.

By the way, you chose this remember? You chose your own fate. You got the option of which side to be on, it was handed to you on a silver platter. I never had that choice. I was only born to fill in your gap. My entire existence revolves around making up for your lack. In case I needed any more reason to resent you.

In fact, it's because of your own goddamn decision that I can't be near you now, still looking after you. _You_ chose your side and now you know where I have to stand because of it. So did you go and learn to stand up for yourself? No. Of course not. Instead you turned to the next person to say hello and latched on to Subaru.

You could have spent the past several months trying to learn to be self-sufficient but instead you've leaned on everyone around you, letting all the little Dragons of Heaven hold you up because it's what they think they are meant to do. Convenient for you isn't it? Dangerous for everyone else around you though. And the worst part is that you seem to have forgotten that you promised to take care of Kotori and broke that promise, shattering it with failure. Evidently you didn't learn your lesson.

How many people have to be sacrificed before you figure yourself out? You've already lost the girl you loved, because she wanted to give you a second chance. You've lost your mother and your aunt for essentially the same reason. They wanted you to live on and here you're wasting it, wallowing in self-pity. Even my own parents both died because of you. Everything, the entire world, it's all laid at your feet and did you even take a glance before stepping over it? I don't believe that you did. All you have done all this time is take for granted the unwavering loyalty that has been shown to you without pausing to question why, why someone would sacrifice so much for you. When it comes down to it, you are selfish, weak, immature, and a liar; a failure as a hero.

All of these things, I should hate.

But the worst part of all

Is that I don't hate you, Kamui.

I…


End file.
